Chasing Riz.

I recently watched the Kevin Smith movie "Chasing Amy" and found it to be one of the best movies I have ever watched. I am not a huge fan of Kevin Smith but I do like some of his work ("Dogma" was brilliant in my opinion). The plot of the movie is based on the character of Holden who falls hopelessly in love at first sight with this girl Alyssa only to find out that she is gay. They are the best of friends and compliment each other so deeply that when Holden expresses his love for Alyssa she too realizes that Holden was the person she was looking for. In the end (I hate to ruin it for you all but the culmination of the plot plays a poignient role in my post), Holden's best friend turns out to be a homosexual in denial and there is a struggle for Holden between Alyssa and Bankey. The point is that they come to a point where Alyssa realizes that the relationship can't go on despite her undying love for Holden. Holden, despite his love for Alyssa, could not get over the issue of her past and because of this two very compatible people were doomed to be apart.

Although, the circumstances behind Holden's and Alyssa's relationship were different, I can't help but draw a parallel between myself and Riz. I feel love between us but the obstacle is too great. So tonight she and I have come to the same point that Holden and Alyssa reached in Chasing Amy and have gone our seperate ways. I have gone through the stage of anger and wrote a horrible post only to delete it. It was nonetheless cathartic. At this point I feel only despair. A feeling of a deep loss of hope has overcome me. I will be honest with myself and admit that I knew what Riz's decision would be but the need to hear it come from her was paramount. The uncertainty of what love holds for me troubles my soul. I hope to overcome this...I need to still believe in love and that somewhere out there someone waits for me.

I have dreaded this moment for quite some time but felt it necessary. I hope to realize that I will be ok without you. For now I can only find solice in music and my own tears. My life has become a scene that keeps getting rewound and replayed. I NEED TO BE FREE! I am sorry.

You have impacted my life in ways unimaginable. You have shown me what love really is. You have been my best friend. You will forever be with me for the rest of my life. Every time I look at a beautiful building or pick up chop stix you'll be there in the background. I have no hate, no regrets.

In the end of Chasing Amy Holden sees Alyssa after a year of being apart and there are no hard feelings and both have found some sense of accomplishment in their lives. Maybe one day you and I can also be happy in each other's success and continue our friendship. Love you always.


"Only Hope" Switchfoot

"The Background" Third Eye Blind